Must. Keep eyes. Open.
It’s been a long day. Between heart shaped pizzas and a few glasses of wine I’m ready for a big ole nap. But let’s do this Bach thing, shall we?
Welcome to BELIZEEEE! Can we please pick a locale that doesn’t make everyone’s hair (except for Courtney, who clearly sold her soul to the devil) look so terrible? Like…Norway? Somewhere without humidity. Get on that producers.
This week there will be 3 one-on-ones, no roses, and a group date WITH a rose. This is the last episode before HOMETOWNS, and you know what that means. Next week will be filled with awkward dads signing off on their daughters marrying some rando from TV and Lindzi shrieking around horses. Oh snap just gave that away. Oh well.
Lindzi gets the first one-on-one. Ben shows up to get her in a tacky tank top. It is not a good look. Nikki is crying. They take off in a Helicopter of Love and get ready to do the thing Lindzi clearly listed as her Greatest Fear: Jump out of the helicopter in the ocean. Oddly specific, but we’ll go with it. Lindzi is freaking the F out and does not want to jump, and Ben seems a wee bit irritated…why is she showing emotions?? Didn’t he request that each and every woman he graced with his presence “go with the flow”? Anyway, she jumps. Billions of "jumping into love" metaphors ensue.
Timeout: Why are the Bachelor dates so much more centered around daredevil stunts than the Bachelorette dates? Is it because the women bond to the Bachelor faster if they feel like he’s “protecting” them? Is it because the Bachelors like to test the women and see if they are low maintenance, laid back types (never realized that this was such a high standard that men set but it’s been pretty important for both Ben and Brad…hmm…). It seems like their assumption is that the more down a woman is for leaping blindly into a black pit of doom, the more likely she is to be an easygoing, emotion-free wife. You know what I call people who do ridiculous things like jump out of helicopters or hold tarantulas (Courtney) without fear? I call them stupid. There I said it. Fear is a sign of intelligence. Moving on.
They go to dinner, sit awkwardly on some blankets on a pier, Lindzi thinks she’s not SURE sure she wants Ben to meet her parents (are they horses?) but then she comes around. Ben: I could see the rest of my life with this woman etc etc she’s so laid back etc etc SCENE.
Next date card: Emily. Courtney is PISSED. I mean, come on, this is the girl who DID HER WRONG, amiright? It’s pretty clear that Courtney is a VICTIM of all of this. It’s not like Courtney has ever said ANYTHING nasty about Emily. Or, god forbid, Emily has never apologized to Court…OH WAIT. Anyway, Courtney cries. America feels uncomfortable, does she have feelings? Is she on her period? Why does she do that weird thing with her mouth? She claims that if she doesn’t get the next date card, she won’t accept a rose from Ben. The producers take note.
Emily and Ben go bike riding and then catch lobsters together. The fake enthusiasm Emily is projecting is almost as irritating as Ben’s frizzy hair and sense of superiority. Emily apologizes AGAIN about Courtney, she and Ben make out on the dance floor and look really cute and drunk. God his hair is awful. “I could see myself loving this woman.” Hmm…
Date card comes. Lo and behold, it’s time for Courtney to go on a one-on-one. She is just saying craaaazy things around the other girls. “You would think if he was like crazy about me he would give me a date card. It’s about time! He hasn’t forgotten about me. He’s a smart boy, he listens!” Kacie is PISSED…and she makes a “bitch!” filled rant that makes me loves me even more. Which probably means that Ben is going to send her home next.
Time for Court’s date. GRRR this girl irritates me. “I need more and he knows that.” WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Except that it totally works. She reels Ben in like that fish in Utah. They hike up the temple and Courtney rants a bit more about Emily. “I had a really tough day yesterday. I was bummed out. Am I going to get a one-on-one date? I wasn’t going to accept a rose from you. I felt so good about you in the beginning…but now I haven’t felt that spark.”
TIMEOUT: If ANY other girl have the balls to say this to Ben, she would be sent packing faster than you can say “Flajnik.” But Courtney plays it so well…giving (skinny dipping, monopolizing him on group dates) and then taking away (“I’ve lost the spark babe”). Ben looks like a sad crushed puppy dog, and tries desperately to reassure Courtney and goes on and on about how much he wants her to stay. He gives her an oral commitment that he wants to meet her family. They canoodle on top of the Mayan pyramid (definitely not sacrilegious) and they are SO snuggly.
“Today’s group date is really special – I’m waking the women up at 4:00 AM.” What follows is far and away my favorite thing that happened this episode…all the girls FRANTICALLY shaving before their date on the beach. Love it.
Group date is…swimming with SHARKS. Rachel is freeaking out. Shockingly Ben does not seem to find this super attractive. Ben explains that if the sharks get aggressive they should hit them in the nose. I hate his voice. So condescending. Bleh.
After party. Rachel tells Ben that she is ready to take him home to her family. He makes a noise like AUGHHHH and then ATTACKS her face like a shark on a piece of chum. Clearly Ben’s go-to move when he’s not sure what to say. Also known in many circles as a “dick move.” Nikki tells Ben that’s she’s really glad she told him that she’s falling in love with him, but unfortunately she’s overshadowed by the other love-drunk puppy – Kacie. She tells Ben she’s falling in love with him and he gives her a drunk smile and kisses her. She giddily says that this is all she needs. She gets the rose. Oh Kacie, I love you, but he said a lot more to Courtney and she just barely deigned to invite him home.
“We want you to be happy, and it’s hard to not say something when we see someone act so differently around us than she does around you,” Nikki says. In his sweetest voice Ben says, “well I’d like to hear it!” Oh WOULD you Ben? You’re not going to tell them to “be careful” and “tread lightly?” They tell him Courtney is two-faced, he’s concerned, but mostly because he thinks she might be lying to him about being into him. Not that, you know, she’s may or may not be a bad person.
Rose ceremony time. Each woman admits to being nervous. But not Courtney! She’s sucking down her pina colada – “I’m feeling good! Let’s lighten the mood! Don’t think the worst – the glass is half-full! Ben’s not the only guy in the world!”
Emily: “Did she SAY he’s NOT the only guy in the world?” The horror.
Chris Harrison: No cocktail party, time for the rose ceremony. Rachel’s already crying, this does not bode well.
DRAMZ – Ben lines up the girls, then steals Courtney away for a moment. Um, what’s the point in skipping the rose ceremony if you’re just going to have more chit chat? Court says she’s been nothing but honest and open and answers Ben’s questions about her “intentions” quickly and defensively.
Nikki is called first. Lindzi is next. DRAMZ TIME. Rachel, Emily or Courtney? Ben deliberates. Annnd it’s…Courtney! She skips forward like a 4 year old and accepts his rose. She shouts “see ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!” at Emily’s back as she leaves. REALLY? Ugh Ben you deserve this ho.
NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS! See ya! Would want to be ya! I mean I assume, I don’t know your life.
It’s been a long day. Between heart shaped pizzas and a few glasses of wine I’m ready for a big ole nap. But let’s do this Bach thing, shall we?
Welcome to BELIZEEEE! Can we please pick a locale that doesn’t make everyone’s hair (except for Courtney, who clearly sold her soul to the devil) look so terrible? Like…Norway? Somewhere without humidity. Get on that producers.
This week there will be 3 one-on-ones, no roses, and a group date WITH a rose. This is the last episode before HOMETOWNS, and you know what that means. Next week will be filled with awkward dads signing off on their daughters marrying some rando from TV and Lindzi shrieking around horses. Oh snap just gave that away. Oh well.
Lindzi gets the first one-on-one. Ben shows up to get her in a tacky tank top. It is not a good look. Nikki is crying. They take off in a Helicopter of Love and get ready to do the thing Lindzi clearly listed as her Greatest Fear: Jump out of the helicopter in the ocean. Oddly specific, but we’ll go with it. Lindzi is freaking the F out and does not want to jump, and Ben seems a wee bit irritated…why is she showing emotions?? Didn’t he request that each and every woman he graced with his presence “go with the flow”? Anyway, she jumps. Billions of "jumping into love" metaphors ensue.
Timeout: Why are the Bachelor dates so much more centered around daredevil stunts than the Bachelorette dates? Is it because the women bond to the Bachelor faster if they feel like he’s “protecting” them? Is it because the Bachelors like to test the women and see if they are low maintenance, laid back types (never realized that this was such a high standard that men set but it’s been pretty important for both Ben and Brad…hmm…). It seems like their assumption is that the more down a woman is for leaping blindly into a black pit of doom, the more likely she is to be an easygoing, emotion-free wife. You know what I call people who do ridiculous things like jump out of helicopters or hold tarantulas (Courtney) without fear? I call them stupid. There I said it. Fear is a sign of intelligence. Moving on.
They go to dinner, sit awkwardly on some blankets on a pier, Lindzi thinks she’s not SURE sure she wants Ben to meet her parents (are they horses?) but then she comes around. Ben: I could see the rest of my life with this woman etc etc she’s so laid back etc etc SCENE.
Next date card: Emily. Courtney is PISSED. I mean, come on, this is the girl who DID HER WRONG, amiright? It’s pretty clear that Courtney is a VICTIM of all of this. It’s not like Courtney has ever said ANYTHING nasty about Emily. Or, god forbid, Emily has never apologized to Court…OH WAIT. Anyway, Courtney cries. America feels uncomfortable, does she have feelings? Is she on her period? Why does she do that weird thing with her mouth? She claims that if she doesn’t get the next date card, she won’t accept a rose from Ben. The producers take note.
Emily and Ben go bike riding and then catch lobsters together. The fake enthusiasm Emily is projecting is almost as irritating as Ben’s frizzy hair and sense of superiority. Emily apologizes AGAIN about Courtney, she and Ben make out on the dance floor and look really cute and drunk. God his hair is awful. “I could see myself loving this woman.” Hmm…
Date card comes. Lo and behold, it’s time for Courtney to go on a one-on-one. She is just saying craaaazy things around the other girls. “You would think if he was like crazy about me he would give me a date card. It’s about time! He hasn’t forgotten about me. He’s a smart boy, he listens!” Kacie is PISSED…and she makes a “bitch!” filled rant that makes me loves me even more. Which probably means that Ben is going to send her home next.
Time for Court’s date. GRRR this girl irritates me. “I need more and he knows that.” WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Except that it totally works. She reels Ben in like that fish in Utah. They hike up the temple and Courtney rants a bit more about Emily. “I had a really tough day yesterday. I was bummed out. Am I going to get a one-on-one date? I wasn’t going to accept a rose from you. I felt so good about you in the beginning…but now I haven’t felt that spark.”
TIMEOUT: If ANY other girl have the balls to say this to Ben, she would be sent packing faster than you can say “Flajnik.” But Courtney plays it so well…giving (skinny dipping, monopolizing him on group dates) and then taking away (“I’ve lost the spark babe”). Ben looks like a sad crushed puppy dog, and tries desperately to reassure Courtney and goes on and on about how much he wants her to stay. He gives her an oral commitment that he wants to meet her family. They canoodle on top of the Mayan pyramid (definitely not sacrilegious) and they are SO snuggly.
“Today’s group date is really special – I’m waking the women up at 4:00 AM.” What follows is far and away my favorite thing that happened this episode…all the girls FRANTICALLY shaving before their date on the beach. Love it.
Group date is…swimming with SHARKS. Rachel is freeaking out. Shockingly Ben does not seem to find this super attractive. Ben explains that if the sharks get aggressive they should hit them in the nose. I hate his voice. So condescending. Bleh.
After party. Rachel tells Ben that she is ready to take him home to her family. He makes a noise like AUGHHHH and then ATTACKS her face like a shark on a piece of chum. Clearly Ben’s go-to move when he’s not sure what to say. Also known in many circles as a “dick move.” Nikki tells Ben that’s she’s really glad she told him that she’s falling in love with him, but unfortunately she’s overshadowed by the other love-drunk puppy – Kacie. She tells Ben she’s falling in love with him and he gives her a drunk smile and kisses her. She giddily says that this is all she needs. She gets the rose. Oh Kacie, I love you, but he said a lot more to Courtney and she just barely deigned to invite him home.
“We want you to be happy, and it’s hard to not say something when we see someone act so differently around us than she does around you,” Nikki says. In his sweetest voice Ben says, “well I’d like to hear it!” Oh WOULD you Ben? You’re not going to tell them to “be careful” and “tread lightly?” They tell him Courtney is two-faced, he’s concerned, but mostly because he thinks she might be lying to him about being into him. Not that, you know, she’s may or may not be a bad person.
Rose ceremony time. Each woman admits to being nervous. But not Courtney! She’s sucking down her pina colada – “I’m feeling good! Let’s lighten the mood! Don’t think the worst – the glass is half-full! Ben’s not the only guy in the world!”
Emily: “Did she SAY he’s NOT the only guy in the world?” The horror.
Chris Harrison: No cocktail party, time for the rose ceremony. Rachel’s already crying, this does not bode well.
DRAMZ – Ben lines up the girls, then steals Courtney away for a moment. Um, what’s the point in skipping the rose ceremony if you’re just going to have more chit chat? Court says she’s been nothing but honest and open and answers Ben’s questions about her “intentions” quickly and defensively.
Nikki is called first. Lindzi is next. DRAMZ TIME. Rachel, Emily or Courtney? Ben deliberates. Annnd it’s…Courtney! She skips forward like a 4 year old and accepts his rose. She shouts “see ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!” at Emily’s back as she leaves. REALLY? Ugh Ben you deserve this ho.
NEXT WEEK: HOMETOWNS! See ya! Would want to be ya! I mean I assume, I don’t know your life.
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