Bachelor Ben - Episode 9

Ok finally time for a Bachelor recap. I’m sorry for the delay – I always watch it on On Demand to do my recap but for whatever reason they haven’t had it up the past 2 days. UNACCEPTABLE. I finally broke down and watched it online.

Ep starts. Ben drones on about how he’s experienced every emotion in the book – “love, anger sadness…” – yep those are all the emotions he needed to cover. “I have premonitions…of life…with children, with Lyndzi.” Cool Ben. His voice seems so condescending to me.

Ok we’re in Switzerland now. Just saying, the landscape could have used a couple Von Trapp children. Nicki recounts telling Ben that she loved him…and she’s super giddy and excited about it. I really wish Ben had let her go earlier. Oops I just gave it away. But I feel like she’s such a sweet, open person, and he clearly doesn’t want to end up with her, I wish he had sent her home earlier, instead of say, Kacie. But I digress.

Nicki and Ben go on a date that I would have personally refused. Their helicopter dives down gorges and leaves them on a huge mountain peak. NO THANKS. “My relationship with Nicki is getting…to new heights!” Do they FEED him these lines?

Nicki is gorgeous. She deserves so much more. She has what the Toddlers in Tiaras judges would call “facial beauty.” Anyway, Ben narrates their date in his signature monotone. “I hope she says yes to an overnight, because it feels like we’re continuing our love story.” Even Ben can’t summon up a convincing face for this.

I think he realizes that Nicki isn’t going to be the one, and he feels a little guilty that he’s going to go through this whole FANTASY SUITE shenanigans with her. Which kind of makes it grosser that he goes through with it. “I’m not a cocky person, but I am confident that I would make you so happy. I would give you what you deserve – you’re a good person, Ben.” Oh Nicki. You will make a really sweet wife to a much nicer guy, I promise. Maybe he’ll even literally build you a log cabin.


When I get think about fantasy suites and get really skeeved out about how trashy and emotionally manipulative it is, I want to scream DON’T DO IT NICKI!! But you know she does it.

LYNDZI DATE

Time to repel down a cliff. Ben is clearly about to wet himself which pleases me. Just saying, my lovely roommate once bungee jumped off this very cliff – it can’t be THAT bad, and they’re just slowly descending. “You have to be there for each other, just like repelling off of a cliff.” You’re right Lyndzi, that’s exactly how love is. They reach the bottom. Note for producers – this does not really translate well to TV.

Ben and Lyndzi cuddle up in the hot tub…she is clearly a bit tipsy. I think she must have thrown back a couple shots to work up the courage to “drop the L bomb” as Ben would say. “I love Lyndzi!” Ben says. SHIT OH MAN HE SAID THAT. We’re supposed to think. I think the producers encouraged that to try to throw us off the track with C-Dawg. But time will tell.

Hate that necktie. “It wasn’t until I met you that I knew what a bad relationship I was in,” Lyndzi says. Ugh that’s sad. Both of these dates have been mostly the ladies droning on and on while Ben says “uh huh” in that signature bored voice of his. “I like you, and I’m falling in love with you, and I absolutely know that I want to see a proposal at the end.” If you’re having trouble saying “I love you,” that probably means it’s time for a proposal, I always say. “Wow,” Ben says. Note to the ladyfriends, if Ben responds to your declaration with “wow” then it’s not going to have the outcome you’re hoping for.

“Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms, please use this key to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite.” – Chris Harrison

Then we see Lyndzi's butt. As she would say, "that just happened." At least it's a nice butt.klo

COURTNEY TIME

“I’ve had a really great week.” Yeah I bet you have Ben. He is super pumped to see Courtney.


Ben’s smiles are no longer forced. “She wants to discover the culture.” Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Courtney “feels bad” about the way she treated the other girls. Ben transitions painfully from babytalk to talking about Court’s treatment of the ladyfriends, “you would kind of twist the knife,” he says, and calls what she did “pretty messed up.” Court cries, and says she hopes they can recover.

Here’s how I feel about Courtney. I don’t know if she’s actually a bad person or not. I’m going to go with, probably, she’s not a very nice girl – the way she treated Emily, the way she blatantly gloated after people got sent home, the time she asked Kacie “how did that feel coming out of your mouth?” But either way, the producers made her the MegaBitch of the show. Now, she’s about to maybe win this thing, and they’re starting to change the rules on us. Suddenly it’s time for Courtney to apologize, Ben has “huge doubts and concerns,” etc. Stop manipulating me, Chris Harrison. Just stop.

Courtney asks Ben, how do YOU feel about the Fantasy Suite? Instead of talking on and on like the other women did, while Ben sits there saying “wow” like a robot, she once again forces him to explain his feelings. She should seriously write a book.

BACHELORETTE PREP SESSION/BLATANT AD FOR THE TITANTIC

Only thing I’m going to comment on – didn't Emily lose her fiancé tragically? Must be pretty fun for her to watch this movie. Nice move producers.

KACIE SHOCKINGLY SHOWS UP

Poor Kacie. She is so so nervous and so clearly in love with Ben. She’s sweet and honest and open, and as my friend David say she “has a little crazy in her,” which I personally appreciate. She wants answers. Ben is not interested in giving them. He blames it on the family. She says, actually I’m an independent person and I’m not my family. He doesn’t really know what to say.

This is when Kacie decided, might as well take Courtney down with me. “If you were to chose Courtney you’d get your heart broken.”

This is Ben’s “STFU, she’s a model” face. He just lets her talk on and on and doesn’t say anything. Except, “I don’t know what to say.” He is clearly PISSED. “I can leave,” Kacie says. “I’ll walk you out.” She tells him that she’s sorry. SHE’S SORRY. Ben looks even more pissed and doesn’t say much, just turns and shuts the door. Dammit Kacie, he thinks, I just redeemed Courtney. Why did you have to F it up?

ROSE CEREMONY TIME

When Ben’s pissed, he starts uptalking. “I’m not questioning my feelings? I’m questioning everything?” He deliberates with Chris, decides not to bring Kacie into the rose ceremony (producers are pissed). No one’s surprised that he doesn’t pick Nicki. I may be giving Ben too much credit, but I think that MAYBE, just maybe, he gave Nicki some hint that she wouldn’t get a rose, because she looks really nervous. And even though she’s upset, she handles it with a lot of class. I don’t know, I think I’m probably giving Nicki too little credit.

At least she’s a beautiful crier. That’s like a superpower.

I CANT. WAIT. FOR. WOMEN. TELL. ALL.

See you this time next week!