Guest Post: An Open Letter to Ben

Check out this hilarious open letter to Ben from my friend David, who until recently was a Bachelor-virgin. It seems he's been turned to the dark side...

Dear Ben,

I have never watched 'The Bachelor' until this season and as an outsider to the Bachelor(ette) world I have some thoughts and concerns...

My first thought is that you should check into becoming a Mormon. Granted  I know little about Mormonism but I understand that polygamy is allowed, and even encouraged. From what I have seen you 'could see yourself' with about every girl you go on dates with and have made out with girls even if you are going to send them off an hour later...Not only are you planning your future with every girl you go on a date with, you also claim to have been 'in love' five times! WOW! That superhuman ability to fall in love shouldn't be wasted on just one person! That is truly a rare gift...

Another thought I have is that you should look into dating a Joe Rogan. Bear with me....you seem keen on taking these women on dates that would scare the bejezus out of a majority of the population...I realize people shouldn't settle, but finding someone who is comfortable with jumping from helicopters, climbing to the top of bridges on a steel beam, jumping into black holes in the ground, and swimming with one of the most efficient killers in the animal kingdom seems unlikely. Sometimes I have to check the channel to make sure I'm not watching Fear Factor. You and Joe would make a beautiful couple.

Also, I am concerned with your physical well-being. I think you might want to look into getting your hearing and vision checked...I mean I hear things, the other girls hear things, anyone who watches the show seems to hear things that you are completely oblivious to. Given your obvious underdeveloped sensory functions you haven't heard the completely annoying voice that Courtney constantly uses, the snide remarks she constantly makes (but then claims she's been nothing but sunshine and light to the other girls), and you can't see the CRAZY in her eyes
...but TRUST, it's all there for everyone else to pick-up on!

Finally, I'm concerned with your emotional well-being after the show. Chances are you picked Courtney and you realized she is an evil succubus using you for her 15 minutes...or you chose one of the other girls, you know...the ones who actually like you and seem like a decent human being... but given your obvious relationship ineptitude I'm sure you messed things up. I mean you fall in love with everyone you meet, you make out with girls you're about to send home...in front of girls you really like... you have no personality perception when it comes to a pretty face, and above all YOU NEED A F***ING HAIR CUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please write soon,

David